Here Are The Steps We Took - How to Complete the 12 Steps of A.A. in Eight Sessions

SPONSORSHIP

In Step Twelve it is suggested that we in A.A. have two duties: to try to carry the message of hope and recovery to other alcoholics, and to practice the spiritual principles of the 12 Steps in all our affairs.

There are many ways to try to carry the A.A. message to others. The most important is to demonstrate to those about us that we have a legitimate message to carry by demonstrating the positive change in our attitudes and actions brought about by the spiritual awakening we experienced after completing the 12 Steps ourselves.

Carrying the message also requires that we attempt to help other willing alcoholics by guiding them through their personal 12 Step work. Those efforts are usually labeled as sponsorship, which is defined as one alcoholic who has made progress in the recovery program sharing their experience on a continuous, individual basis with another alcoholic who is attempting to attain or maintain sobriety through A.A.

In other words, it’s two people simply trying to stay sober by helping each other. It’s two people connecting with each other based on sharing our mutual problem of alcoholism and the common solution we find in A.A.

Both parties benefit from sponsorship. Sharing our journey through sobriety makes it easier to live without alcohol and inspires us to maintain our sobriety as we encounter the daily challenges of life that inevitably arise.

The sponsor passes on how they have maintained their physical sobriety and grown in emotional sobriety, and encourages the sponsee to find their own way using the spiritual tools of the A.A. program, which consist of the Fellowship, Big Book and 12 Steps.

A good sponsor may share some of their personal beliefs with their sponsee, but will never impose those beliefs on them. The sponsor admits they don’t know everything, and does not attempt to replace or discourage other needed medical treatment, or cultural or religious activities which may help the sponsee.

The sponsor is not a substitute for A.A., and reminds their sponsees they need to rely on the A.A. Fellowship rather than one person for their recovery. Nor does a sponsor object if the sponsee asks for guidance from other A.A. members or decides to change sponsors.

INITIAL CONVERSATION

When a man asks me to be his sponsor, our conversation usually goes something like this:

Him: Will you be my sponsor?

Me: Why?

Him: They said I need a sponsor.

Me: Do you want to stop drinking?

Him: Yes.

Me: What are you willing to do to stop drinking?

Him: Anything.

Me: Give me your two minute Reader’s Digest version of God.*

Him: I believe in God and have no problem with him.

Me: What do you expect from a sponsor?

Him: I’m not sure. I think I need help with the Big Book readings and 12 Step work, and I want to better understand how the A.A. program can help me.

Me: I’m glad to talk to you some more about sponsorship, and we can go from there.

At that point I tell the potential sponsee that there is technically only one job I have as a sponsor, and that is to help another alcoholic through the work of the 12 Steps and answer any questions or discuss any concerns they may have about A.A. and their illness.

I tell the potential sponsee that what we will have is a simple business arrangement. You agree to do all the 12 Step work, and I agree to help you with that.

I remind them that my job is not to become their friend or counselor, although we may end up friends at some point. My job is not to be their mother, wife, girlfriend, counselor, lawyer, psychiatrist, banker or employer. We’re simply equals among equals, both trying not to drink and maintain a new, sober way of living as best we can.

* This question is not meant to qualify or disqualify a potential sponsee. I ask it only to get an idea of how much work I may have ahead of me as we go through the 12 Steps, which is heavily God-laden. If a potential sponsee is one of the 20% of Americans who has no relationship with God, it takes more time and work to get through the religious and spiritual aspects of the Big Book and 12 Steps.

COMMITMENT TEST

At some point during our discussion on sponsorship, I test him to see how committed he is to doing the program work. I ask him to read “The Doctor’s Opinion,” in the Big Book, which is only eight pages long, and to call me the following day to discuss it. I suggest he make notes in his Big Book of any questions, concerns, misunderstandings, or disagreements he may have with the reading, and then we will review over the phone.

And I wait.

I rarely get a return call. Even when I do get a response and we start on the step work, I know the odds of my sponsee staying sober and remaining in A.A. are very low. Having worked with almost one hundred men helping them through the 12 Step work, only five or so finished their step work with me and have attained long term sobriety, as far as I know.

I do not chase down potential sponsees, but I make it clear in meetings and elsewhere that I am willing to work with any man who wants to stop drinking and is willing to do the work required in the program.

I firmly believe men should sponsor only men and women only women. Gay men and women should find and use a heterosexual same-sex sponsor.

If the sponsee is illiterate and unable to read, they can listen to the free audio recording of the Big Book available on the AAWS website at: https://www.aa.org/pages/en_US/alcoholics-anonymous-audio-version

EXPECTATIONS

In the early days of A.A., all responsibility for the sponsee fell on the sponsor. He or she was expected to call the sponsee daily, make certain they attended meetings regularly and transport them to those meetings, ensure they read the Big Book, take them through the 12 Steps and regularly meet with their spouse and family.

My experience has shown me that if someone really wants to get sober, there is nothing I can do that will prevent it. If someone does not want to get sober, or is not ready to do the work required to get sober, there is nothing I can do to make it happen. My sole responsibility is to be available by phone and in person for my sponsee.

I do not give orders to my sponsees. I tell them I am available if they want to call me, but that I will not be calling them daily. I do not insist my sponsee call me every day. It is always the sponsee’s job to get themselves to their A.A. meetings, just as they were able to get themselves to the bar and liquor store when they were drinking. I’m glad to meet them before or after any meeting I’m able to attend, and meet them one-on-one for their step study work. I rarely meet with any of the sponsee’s family members, but I’m willing to speak with them if there is a good reason and it would be beneficial.

I expect that once my sponsee has completed his 12 Step work, he will start living his life based on our 12 Step principles, and begin sponsoring other alcoholics.

FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS

How do I know if the newcomer is a real alcoholic?

This is a tough topic because being a real alcoholic is not an A.A. membership requirement. According to Tradition Three, the only requirement for A.A. membership is a desire to stop drinking.

However, if I’m asked to spend my time to take a newcomer through the 12 Steps, I want to qualify him as a real alcoholic so I’m not wasting my time.

I naturally assume any suffering newcomer who regularly shows up at A.A. meetings has a real problem with drinking, and is probably alcoholic. But I do ask him the two questions presented in the first paragraph of the chapter “We Agnostics,” which are:

1) Are you able to stop drinking forever?

2) Once you take that first drink, are you able to control the amount you drink afterwards—every single time?

If the newcomer answers no to either question, in my opinion they qualify as an alcoholic, and are worth working with on the 12 Steps.

In the preceding chapters you have learned something of alcoholism. We hope we have made clear the distinction between the alcoholic and the non-alcoholic. If, when you honestly want to, you find you cannot quit entirely, or if when drinking, you have little control over the amount you take, you are probably alcoholic. If that be the case, you may be suffering from an illness which only a spiritual experience will conquer. [Big Book, p.44]

When should a newcomer start their 12 Step work?

As soon as possible, so the sponsee or new member can get relief from their obsession to drink and find a better way of living as rapidly as they can. If newcomers don’t get relief quickly, many mistakenly decide A.A. doesn’t work, and two-thirds of them exit the program, never to return.

Be aware that it takes time for the damaged brain to heal and the physiological effects of withdrawal from alcohol or drugs to diminish. It can take months or even years for the brain the heal completely, as described in the Post-Acute Withdrawal Syndrome (PAWS). *

However, a few weeks of abstinence is usually adequate for most alcoholics’ minds to clear enough to begin their 12 Step work.

* PAWS - https://drugabuse.com/drug-withdrawal/post-acute-withdrawal-syndrome

What is a sponsor?

The sole job of the same-sex sponsor is to guide the sponsee through the 12 Steps of A.A. and answer any questions related to A.A. and the fellowship the sponsee may have, based on the sponsor’s best knowledge and experience.

What are the qualifications to be a sponsor?

A sponsor is an...