Defining Wealth for Women: - (n.) Peace, Purpose, and Plenty of Cash!

Introduction

Wanting to be rich was always part of a larger story about possibility for me. I wanted something bigger—a bigger life, a bigger vision, and yes, a bigger income. Along with that itchy sense that there was more available “out there,” I used to also have a strong sense of having settled. Even after I finished medical school and was making good money at a good job, I didn’t really believe I could live my life the way I wanted to—on my own terms, without sacrifice or waiting until I retired to start enjoying myself.

In the spring of 2018, I was living in Philadelphia and working as a dermatologist in a private practice. It was the life I’d gone into medical school (and a lot of debt) to achieve. I wasn’t loving it, but I wasn’t sure anyone really loved their life. Besides, what I had was certainly good enough. I wasn’t yet bringing in more than what the practice was paying me, so there was a deficit I needed to make up, but my contribution was increasing steadily. If I stayed where I was through the end of the year, I’d be making enough to pay them back and have my salary where I wanted it to be. Despite it being only seven more months, I was restless.

I didn’t want to spend another three-quarters of a year just trying to get where I wanted to be. I’d always followed the prescribed path and thinking about taking a different route was scary, but I started to wonder: “What if I don’t have to stay here to pay them back? What if I could pay them back some other way?” It wasn’t an entirely comfortable question.

The funny thing about uncomfortable questions, though, is that they’re powerful—even if you don’t have answers for them. It was as if the question I’d started asking myself went out into the universe and started asking around on my behalf. And on some level, it also felt like it went to work trying to find an answer for me. Or maybe I just started paying a different kind of attention. Either way, I was browsing a locums tenens directory (a listing of short-term medical assignments) and stumbled across a summer post in Seattle working two weeks on, two weeks off for three months of the city’s best weather. Suddenly there was a way to do something different and still pay off my debts. I jumped! I moved to Seattle, worked the job for three months, and went from there to a similar position in Hawai’i.

Living December to February in Hawai’i is so much better than it is in Philly that it broke down internal limits I didn’t know I had. I’d stepped off the approved-of path and ended up on Lanikai Beach! That gave me the audacity to start verbalizing more of what I wanted my life to be. I wanted it to be bigger. I wanted a stronger sense of purpose, a deeper internal peace, and much more money. I got bolder, and I got ambitious—not just for myself, but for other successful, type-A, professional women living with that itch for more feeling like they’d settled, gotten stuck, or fallen behind.

In the same way that “rich” doesn’t just mean having money, “professional” doesn’t necessarily mean being rich. Still, many educated, professional women live paycheck-to-paycheck burdened with crushing debt and even heavier shame. If you feel overwhelmed by how complicated it seems to manage your finances or if you find you’re constantly stressed about money, you’re not alone.

How We Got Here

Many smart, successful women scramble to make more and spend less, wondering why they don’t have a better grip on it all. Other people seem to get it, but where does their confidence come from? Did you maybe miss a memo? Were you absent that day?

Maybe money wasn’t something your family talked about. Maybe you’re embarrassed by your debt or spending. Maybe you’re dealing with uncertainty lightly dusted in shame. Whatever it may be, I can help.

I began my financial coaching career focusing on female physicians (no slouches in the intelligence or self-discipline department), and I promise, if working in the medical field was all it took to feel capable and in control of your personal finances, I would have gone back to medicine myself. If that were all it took, you probably wouldn’t be reading this book.

In most parts of the world, for most of history, women have been legally barred from owning property (the primary source of wealth in preindustrial societies). From the Middle Ages until the mid-1800s, a married woman had no legal status at all. She was not an independent entity and had no individual financial rights. In 1839, Mississippi became the first state in the US to allow women to own property in their own names. By 1845, when women were first allowed to file their own patents (giving them the rights to their intellectual property), much of the rest of the country had caught up with Mississippi in property rights. The final two stragglers (Utah and South Carolina) didn’t grant women “separate economy” until 1895.

Until 1963, it was legal to pay women less for the same work. After 1974, a woman no longer had to have a man cosign to take out a loan. It’s been fewer than fifty years since the law of the land said women weren’t responsible enough to borrow money independently. Is it any wonder many of us still struggle to trust ourselves?

Beyond the legal inequalities all women have faced for thousands of years (and the additional burdens borne by women of color), there are different social and cultural norms for men and women that are maybe even more powerful and damaging because they’re less obvious. From childhood, boys get the message that they can and should create wealth while girls are socialized to rein in spending and focus on saving money.

This only gets more pronounced as we get older. Take a quick survey of the different money and finance articles on the internet targeting men or women. Men get earning and investment topics. Women get savings and fiscal restraint. Women are still getting the message that they just can’t be trusted with money. Men spend; women splurge. Men make a purchase. Women go shopping. Men can take risks and be smart with money. Women need to exercise self-control and be more sensible.

Data shows that men and women over-spend equally. We’re equally likely to carry consumer debt, make purchases on impulse, and buy things we don’t need, but what women spend money on is deemed less worthy. A man who spends several thousand dollars on a watch will consider a pair of shoes that cost half as much a frivolous purchase. Many women have internalized this. We feel inadequate around money. We second-guess ourselves. We pathologize our spending and carry around a lot of shame.

This is the reason we need a book on wealth. We have thousands of years of history to undo, and the damage is ongoing. No matter what the Equal Pay Act promised, women are still paid less than men for the same work. We still get much more punishing messages about what it’s okay to spend money on, what qualifies as over-spending, and who’s allowed to do it.

A Women’s Wealth Revolution

If you’re feeling inadequate, overwhelmed, and stressed about money, please know that there’s nothing wrong with you, and you’re not alone. Too many women are afraid they’re never going to get to live the life they want due to massive student loan debt or the need to “keep up with the Joneses.” They are tired of being frugal. They don’t know where to start learning the basics and keep trying to work harder and spend less, all the while feeling guilty for not having already figured it out or for wanting more in the first place.

We need a women’s wealth revolution. As women free themselves of our unfair history and unequal messaging, and as more of us become rich, we rewrite the female financial narrative and change the rules. We can (and will!) replace the systems that keep women small. Taboos, misconceptions, and limiting beliefs conspire to keep too many women working for their money rather than having their money work for them.

In Defining Wealth for Women, I’ll share knowledge and practices that help women realize there really are no limits on what they can earn and do. Each chapter takes on one of the common myths or misconceptions about money that are holding women back. We’ll look at how the way our brains are wired gets in our way, and I’ll teach you how to think differently about yourself and your finances. We’ll uncover and reframe hidden, mistaken ideas and replace them with better information, history- and brain science-based explanations, and recommendations.

Each chapter starts with a self-assessment, quiz, or thought experiment and contains a “This Is Your Brain” section in which I explain why some things are so hard to do (and some, way too easy!). Finally, each chapter ends with an opportunity to turn your insights into action. Here you’ll find journaling prompts and other activities designed to help you engage more deeply with the material. I’ve collected all these chapter-ending exercises into a PDF workbook you can download for free here: https://definingwealthforwomen.com.

By reading and engaging in this way, you’ll learn powerful cognitive tools to rewire your brain so you can create wealth. But being rich isn’t just about money. Sure, financial abundance is part of the story, but having real wealth means having a healthy bank balance, body, and mind—peace, purpose, and plenty of cash! We’ll look at how reframing your beliefs and changing your mindset contribute to more of all three.

I haven’t always known the things I’ll be teaching you. I was a board-certified dermatologist with a...